I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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