Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
