What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
