Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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