Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize