HIV tests are more positive than that guy
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
