The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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