He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
