i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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