Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
