This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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