So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
