He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
