the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
