Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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