Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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