Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
