I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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