he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
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Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
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I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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