you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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