my being single is dangerous.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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