Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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