I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
