i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
