thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
