I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
