I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
why is half of my head shaved?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
