Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
