There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
The ass gains better be worth it
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