you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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