This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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