I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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