by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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