I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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