420 ftw
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
