i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
