i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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