Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You ate ashes out of my bong
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
