i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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