What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
