Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
