JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
