Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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