I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
