just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
