You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
