my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
