The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
