update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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