I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
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