I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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