last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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