i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
